Starring

Sean Bean, Chris Hemsworth, Victoria Profeta

In Brief

A young couple with major money issues stumbles across half a million dollars in cash, the product of a recent robbery of some kind. They start spending almost immediately and everything seems great, until those responsible for the money come looking and want it back. All of it. One way or another.

The Beef

This movie tries really hard to bring down the strength of its own story. It’s the only thing going for it. It feels like a great idea was turned over to a shitty screenwriter to mangle at will. There are a lot of possibilities with the intelligent criminal and pushing people to the very edge of their own abilities, but it just wasn’t that good of a movie. The dialogue was forced and awful from the get-go. Sean Bean played the role he’s typecast for well, but the rest of the cast was, at best, mildly distracting.

My favorite part is when, in an aimless attempt to add depth to his character, the Scottish villain randomly starts doing Yoga.

But the pace was all right and the story, in concept at least, was strong enough to keep this movie out of the ‘bad’ ratings. I’d give it 2.5 stars if I had an image for that, but I’ll just round up… this time.

3/5 (Ok)

…

Starring

John Cusack, Amanda Peet

In Brief

John Cusack, a struggling writer, attempts to flee the impending global mega-crisis and gain back the love of his estranged ex-wife and children. Meanwhile, a scientist battles the moral dilemna of being ’saved’ in massive, secretly constructed ‘arcs’ while others are consciously left to die.

The Beef

This movie is really not too bad when all you’re expected to do is stare in wide-eyed wonder at giant monuments exploding and California sliding into the Pacific Ocean. Unfortunately the film is saturated with terrible and half-hearted efforts at generating some emotional attachment to its doomed characters. It’s almost like the entire movie with splendid mayhem was created, then someone came back and tried to make it appeal to women by adding some scenes to tug at your heart strings. Half-assed story additions would also explain the sheer length of this behemoth (that’s what she said).

I wasn’t expecting good science, so I won’t hold that against it, but let’s just say it’s worse than Independence Day, but better than The Core in that department. This is a bad movie, but you knew that going in. I’m still going to say it’s worth your time to see it – but only for the effects. If you want to have a good time – try to count the number of times Cusack and company outrun a natural disaster. Also – try to enjoy the irony of a bunch of boats loaded with whities storming Africa at the end.

Oh, and who told Cusack he could do an action flick? Let’s stick with the rom-coms, Johnny.
2/5 (Bad)

Can’t get this crap out of my head, damnit.

… and then I stopped it and turned on Mighty Ducks. I don’t know why I thought it might be a good idea to try that again. I think every other year or so I need a quick reminder of how shitty that movie really is.

Starring

Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver

In Brief

In 2152, humans are mining the elusive ore “unobtanium” from the faraway planet, Pandora. Unfortunately, the resident Na’Vi, who have a spiritual and cultural link to all the life on the planet, live atop the largest deposits. The miners turn to a paraplegic marine, Jake Sulley, and the Avatar program, which uses a remote link to control living Na’Vi bodies to gain the trust of the indigenous population. But once Sulley goes in, he doesn’t want to go back.

The Beef

Do you think they’re trying to tell us something? The undertones in this movie aren’t so much “under” as “in-your-face”. It’s all one giant reflection of the displacement of Native Americans and, to a lesser extent, war in the middle east. It honestly makes me wonder whether they actually wrote the story first or just kept tweaking history until they got something cool.

Still – the end result is hard to argue with. James Cameron’s face is in the dictionary next to the word “Epic”. I can’t think of any movies off the top of my head that match this in the sheer scale of the undertaking. The entire world is animated, and animated well. It’s beautiful and foreign and fascinating. Without a plot the movie could survive on its splendor alone, but it does have a plot. It works too. Sure it’s familiar and predictable, but it’s engaging and fun to watch too.

Unfortunately the characters weaved into this story aren’t particularly likable though. They’re all dramatizations, like they were lifted from the pages of a comic book. The shrewd businessman, the “kill-em-all” general and his goons, the die-hard passionate scientist, and so on and so forth. Despite quite a lot of screen time, none of them really generate any particular depth. The story is engaging and the visuals stunning enough that it carried me through the insane 162 minute runtime, but on pure movie credentials alone I can’t put this movie up with the ratings it’s getting elsewhere.

See it, for sure, and do your best to see it in a great big Digital or IMAX theater, because the visuals will blow you away. Just don’t expect the rest of the movie to keep up.

4/5 (Good)

3D-O-Vision

Avatar was also the first recent movie I’ve seen in 3D, and I was a little apprehensive. My experience until this has been that directors use it to make things shoot out at you in obnoxious and distracting ways, but not to add any depth to the picture itself. Nothing is further from the truth in Avatar. I think there are only one or two instances where something truly jumps out at you – the effect is instead used to great effect in slow panning shots of the amazing world that Cameron has created.

Still – I never quite felt like everything was in focus when it was in 3D, and quicker shots blurred and made focusing even more difficult. I think 3D has a lot of potential, and I’m no longer as pessimistic about it as I was, but I don’t think the technology is at the point yet where it’s something that adds more to the film than it detracts.

I hope they keep working on it, because I see a lot of potential in what they can do with this.

Starring

Nobody

In Brief

A high school abstinence speaker agrees to finally have sex with his girlfriend, but falls into a coma before he gets the chance. When wakes up 4 years later he discovers that his former girlfriend is a playboy playmate and sets off across the country to find her.

The Beef

The most painful biking I’ve done in a long time. I wouldn’t have finished the movie if I weren’t stuck on a bike waiting for my 45 minutes to be up (twice). I expected it to be bad, but I was hoping I’d at least get some good boobs out of it. But no. I would rather spend 90 minutes stabbing myself with cutlery than watching this movie again.
1/5 (Awful)

Weigh In

212 lbs.

Starring

Alyson Michalka, Vanessa Hudgens, Gaelan Connell

In Brief

A high school outsider and music junkie moves to a new school overcome with Bandslam, a high school battle of the bands competition. He forms an unlikely bond with the former head cheerleader. Impressed with his musical knowledge, she makes him the manager of her band, which he quickly reshapes to compete for the glory of Bandslam.

The Beef

Lately a lot of disney and teen romp movies are leading with some awkward looking guys. I guess the idea is that it makes them easier to relate to. Michael Cera is an excellent example of what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, the guys casting Bandslam decided it wasn’t enough to find a skinny, awkward kid for their lead. No, they wanted the lead to be legitimately ugly – extra easy to relate to. To be fair, Gaelan Connell is really a pretty normal looking little geek. They put in effort to make him as ugly as possible. Just look at him in the poster up there. What the hell?

But I just wanted the little fucker to cut his hair and stop intentionally acting like a spazz for the entire movie. His ugliness actually had the reverse effect of making him difficult to relate to. He also dances like a queer bomb and is generally a goofy little fucker, and it bothered me.

The writers also fall into the same pattern of portraying teenage bullying as if it’s widely considered the ‘cool’ thing to do. They even show the entire school making fun of a kid because his dad drove drunk and was in a fatal accident. Seriously Todd Graff? You think teenagers would make fun of someone for that? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Other than that: the music is ok, but nothing special; Vanessa Hudgens is hot, but acts badly; The plot is predictable, but you knew it would be. An ok effort makes an OK movie. What a shocker.
3/5 (Ok)

Weigh In

213 lbs.