Starring

Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Zoe Saldana, That guy from Fantastic Four

In Brief

An elite special forces unit is double crossed and does everything they can to get revenge on the guy who sold them out. A-team anyone?

The Beef

I had really low expectations for this movie. I threw it on as I went down for a bike ride and was worried that it would cut my ride short because I’d be so bored with it. I was pleasantly surprised. Let me qualify that: this is a bad movie. It’s a total cliche of an action movie. Every single character, line of dialogue and camera shot is cheesier than the last. The plot is predictable and the ‘comic relief’ is bad enough that it’s almost funny for the wrong reasons. All that said, I was entertained.

In fact, my biggest criticism is that they didn’t really go for it. This movie could have reached legitimately decent status with a nice solid R rating, but they pussied out and toned it down for PG-13.

3/5 (Ok)

Check out Ninite. It lets you install multiple applications with a single installer. I haven’t tried it yet, but assuming their App lists are up-to-date and they’re not installing any junk with the software, this could be a huge time saver. Looks like they know just what I like too.

I don’t always drink. But when I do, I drink good beer. The links below will take you to the Beer Advocate listing for the beers. Here are a few to get you started (in no particular order):

1. Guinness Extra Stout

Beer Advocate: B+

Some of you probably like the Draught more, that’s fine. It’s all good with Guinness. The Extra Stout doesn’t have quite as cool of a cascade as the Draught, but it’s got more flavor and I’ve come to like it prefer it. Also, just to be clear: The Draught is 4.2% ABV. Extra Stout is 6.0%. That should convince some of you *ahem* Sean. I also happen to think it’s a little bit less filling than the Draught.
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Starring

Jude Law, Forest Whitaker

In Brief

Sometime in the unspecified future a mega conglomerate known as “The Union” has made their fortune selling biomechanical organs. The exorbitant prices for these organs mean many people default on the exorbitant financing that The Union offers. As the movie so eloquently puts it – when you default on your mortgage, the bank takes your house. When you default on your organ loan, Jude Law and Forest Whitaker come to take it back. Until, that is, Jude Law gets a heart of his own and rethinks his career.

The Beef

This movie is terrible. It’s sort of an interesting premise I suppose, but there are way too many glaring and retarded plot holes that I just couldn’t get past. Are we really supposed to believe that this company legally murders people to repossess their organs and then leaves ripped open bodies literally littering the streets? It’s ridiculous! They also fail to ever reasonably establish why the company apparently wins when people default on their loans (as any banker will tell you, they’d rather you didn’t). The characters are whimsical after thoughts of themselves. Jude Law’s wife hates his job badly enough to leave him without much explanation (though he’s been doing it presumably as long as he’s known her). Jude Law loves her but is all too happy to run into the arms of a veritable biomech when the opportunity arises.

It’s not clever enough to be a Matrix style mind-bender or to really make you think. It’s too dull to be a proper action movie. It’s not funny enough to be a dark comedy. And it’s not acted or written well enough to stand on its own as a genuinely interesting story. Don’t waste your time with this one.

2/5 (Bad)

Starring

Sean Bean, Chris Hemsworth, Victoria Profeta

In Brief

A young couple with major money issues stumbles across half a million dollars in cash, the product of a recent robbery of some kind. They start spending almost immediately and everything seems great, until those responsible for the money come looking and want it back. All of it. One way or another.

The Beef

This movie tries really hard to bring down the strength of its own story. It’s the only thing going for it. It feels like a great idea was turned over to a shitty screenwriter to mangle at will. There are a lot of possibilities with the intelligent criminal and pushing people to the very edge of their own abilities, but it just wasn’t that good of a movie. The dialogue was forced and awful from the get-go. Sean Bean played the role he’s typecast for well, but the rest of the cast was, at best, mildly distracting.

My favorite part is when, in an aimless attempt to add depth to his character, the Scottish villain randomly starts doing Yoga.

But the pace was all right and the story, in concept at least, was strong enough to keep this movie out of the ‘bad’ ratings. I’d give it 2.5 stars if I had an image for that, but I’ll just round up… this time.

3/5 (Ok)

…

Starring

John Cusack, Amanda Peet

In Brief

John Cusack, a struggling writer, attempts to flee the impending global mega-crisis and gain back the love of his estranged ex-wife and children. Meanwhile, a scientist battles the moral dilemna of being ‘saved’ in massive, secretly constructed ‘arcs’ while others are consciously left to die.

The Beef

This movie is really not too bad when all you’re expected to do is stare in wide-eyed wonder at giant monuments exploding and California sliding into the Pacific Ocean. Unfortunately the film is saturated with terrible and half-hearted efforts at generating some emotional attachment to its doomed characters. It’s almost like the entire movie with splendid mayhem was created, then someone came back and tried to make it appeal to women by adding some scenes to tug at your heart strings. Half-assed story additions would also explain the sheer length of this behemoth (that’s what she said).

I wasn’t expecting good science, so I won’t hold that against it, but let’s just say it’s worse than Independence Day, but better than The Core in that department. This is a bad movie, but you knew that going in. I’m still going to say it’s worth your time to see it – but only for the effects. If you want to have a good time – try to count the number of times Cusack and company outrun a natural disaster. Also – try to enjoy the irony of a bunch of boats loaded with whities storming Africa at the end.

Oh, and who told Cusack he could do an action flick? Let’s stick with the rom-coms, Johnny.
2/5 (Bad)

Can’t get this crap out of my head, damnit.

… and then I stopped it and turned on Mighty Ducks. I don’t know why I thought it might be a good idea to try that again. I think every other year or so I need a quick reminder of how shitty that movie really is.